Whoever thought that a woman’s name would become standard terminology for someone who lives with a sense of entitlement? We all know the type: a person with an unmerited expectation of favorable treatment or better-than-average living conditions. “The rules are for other people. I’mspecial.”
Psychiatrists cite various reasons that individuals develop these expectations, but here’s the realreason: Karen’s mother never made her write thank-you notes. But first, let me clarify that there’s a male version: Konrad.
KAREN AND KONRAD
My New York apartment is adjacent to a park, where a dog’s human should keep the creature leashed at all times. The exception is the dog park, where rambunctious canines freely play unrestrained by human-devised shackles. I hasten to point out that Karens and Konrads are equally guilty of allowing dogs off leash outside the dog park, despite signs posted visibly. The animals go bounding about, chasing sticks and sometimes children, and sometimes biting people or other dogs. The Karen of the original incident could just as easily have been a Konrad, although a guy would probably have punched the other guy instead of calling the police. Guys like to do that.
Karen and Konrad behave that way because they never developed an attitude of gratitude, which grows—despite your efforts to keep it at bay—when mom forces you to write thank-you notes. Dad could do so as well, but it’s usually mom. Even if you resist, the task becomes a habit, engrained like flossing your teeth, taking out the garbage, and other things you hate to do.
THE OLDEN DAYS
When I was young, everybody wrote “bread-and-butter letters.” Strictly speaking, these are for hospitality, and you write thank-you notes for gifts. I internalized that value, and now when I receive a gift or dine at a friend’s home, my conscience stands waiting to see whether I will comply. If I don’t grab pen and paper forthwith, I hear the voice of my mother, my father, my grandmother, “Don’t forget to write a thank-you note!” So I write these not because I’m a wonderful person, but because I don’t want a booming voice from heaven. Don’t you want your conscience and your ancestors leave you alone?
UNWANTED GIFTS
But what about gifts you don’t like? You can view it as a challenge to your creativity. A non-committal response might be, “I love presents, and was thrilled to see the UPS guy with a package for me.” If the tie or scarf doesn’t match anything in your wardrobe, you could say, “The colors are intriguing, weaving a fascinating picture that causes my mind to take great leaps of imagination.” You have then impressed the giver with your grandiloquence, and sharpened your own powers of description.
You can overcome your disappointment by stashing the gift away until the right recipient appears. Maybe you don’t need a one-step hair dryer and volumizer, but you have a friend with limp hair. Or you can make a gift of that portable toothbrush sanitizer to your best enemy, sending a clear signal that someone’s teeth need attention.
BENEFITS OF GRATITUDE
Why does this matter? These days, many people in the “developed” nations have whatever they want, whenever they want it, thus suggesting that things are theirs by rights. So why be grateful for anything? According to psychologists, the benefits of gratitude are many, and a cursory google search yields studies proving that you will feel better, be more empathic, improve your mental strength, your sleep, and your self-esteem.
Doesn’t this sound attractive? How much space can gratitude take up in your emotional makeup anyway? Are you so encumbered that you can’t find a little corner, somewhere between anxiety and ambition? Imagine a world where nobody thanked you for anything, ever. Not even a measly email to acknowledge receipt of the dog-themed socks, or to thank you for preparing that Indonesian-style lasagna. How would you feel?
Once you embrace the value of gratitude, there are enhancements to the practice. After expressing thanks, you can add something about the occasion or the gift. It can be mild like “That day was only one of pleasant times I have spent with you.” Or you can wax enthusiastic and say, “Wow! You really understand what pleases me!” For the unwanted gift, you can make a neutral observation, such as “I especially appreciate the fact that it doesn’t take up much space in my tiny apartment.”
ANOTHER OPTION
My cynical mind will now propose something for those who are still unconvinced. Even if you don’t care about the gratitude part, you can think egocentrically. You might want someone to be your friend the day you don’t get what you want. This happens to the best of us, so why not build your network of supporters while young? I know aunties and grandpas who have ceased sending money to ungrateful young people because the youngsters never thanked them. Do you want that to be you? What’s more, it’s your opportunity to foster guilt in those who themselves do not send you thank-you notes.
BONUS
The gratitude habit serves you well in the job market, and if you have grown up grateful, it takes little effort to write a note of thanks. You can impress interviewers with your knowledge of the company, and answer questions the interviewer didn’t ask. So, you should routinely thank anyone who spent time with you, regardless of outcome. Here’s an example from one of my own job searches.
The interviewer was intent on asserting her superiority, posing questions to show that she knew answers when I didn’t. I left feeling angry, and once home, I drafted a letter telling her exactly how I felt. I minced no words in saying that she wanted me to sense my inferiority as she showed her knowledge of the subject matter, and that she was pompous. I then tore up the letter and wrote a proper thank-you note. She hired me.
Someone said, “It’s not that happy people are grateful, but that grateful people are happy.” See for yourself whether that’s true, and report back to me.
This article made my family laugh. There is nothing wrong with creativity in a thank-you note. What is important is that it is written. I appreciated the example of penning down your thoughts to the interviewer who angered you, but then choosing to send a note of gratitude. Thank you for making the world a more civil and joyful place!